Seduction of negativity

The wheels of my British Airways plane touched Pakistan soil yesterday at 6:10am.

I wanted to mark my return with a confession. A guilty confession about how after a year residing in Pakistan I had not yet developed a love for this country. My intention in teaching overseas is not for travel. Rather, I wish to develop an deep appreciation for the place through the people and culture - the lessons and love that I find. I have met good people in my host country, but it's easy to dwell on the bureaucracy, the lack of comforting greetings from strangers, the differences from my culture, the multitude of languages I can't speak, and frustration-of-the-day mentality.

Oh, I was baking in a quiet tantrum of my own today over my earthquake relief efforts. The short of it is a rumor (otherwise known as second-hand information) that the village of Saina Daman expects to overcharge our contractor for labor and transportation as my school funds the construction of their school, which will be one of their three schools destroyed. I would like to describe specifics in slightly more objective detail... but I catch myself along a common pathway that I describe as a spiral of negativity.

The spiral of negativity is a circular path of thoughts. These are usually the same negative thoughts repeated over and over, and which lower one's emotional level (thus the downwards spiral). Think of traffic, overbearing bosses, oppressive environments, and the stuff that makes your blood boil. Now, if you dwell on these thoughts and continue to feel unable to overcome them, then you experience this spiral effect until you are no longer angry, but depressed.

The lowest time of my life was the result of one of these spirals of negativity. My sophomore year in college hit me hard. I'll try to shorten the story into a few quips: an average student in a large pond of overachievers, working database entry part-time to pay for financial aid, joining over half a dozen organizations, taking on three leadership positions, enrolling in organic chemistry (pre-med weed-out course), and generally tiring myself out with negativity over not being good enough. In the spring, I finally reached out for some help and eventually learned to move away from my bad habits of thought; I was thoroughly convinced of my own inadequacy.

This realization keeps me out of the average workplace lunchroom, away from too many woeful tales, and hopefully holds my mind and tongue when I roll for too long in the same negative circles.

I am reminded of this perspective as I return to Pakistan. I return to a school that has had some tough times and new surprises. I return to a life that is not the same as other places I've learned to love, i.e. Ghana and USA. My thoughts should be on the positive, the positive and how I can be proactive in making a more favorable environment.

Negativity may hold a place in the world. The media salivates over it. People spread gossip over it. Some scientists say negative images light up more of our brain's neurons than positive ones (still I'd rather look at a live rabbit than a mangled one). We seem to be sensitive to negativity, but this is not the same as the spiral of negativity of which I speak. We move away from casual experiences with negativity; they are temporary distractions that don't put us in a holding pattern of thought that pulls us down.